Personal Experience: Socializing as an INTJ
and What’s the Deal with the Solitude and the “Death Stare”?
I will turn 32 this year and yet still find it difficult to form a friendship. Of course to some people, Myers–Briggs Type Indicator is just another online quiz that people take to make themselves feel better. But for me, knowing I’m an INTJ is giving so much answers to the question: why am I so weird?
Being an INTJ female means that I am part of the 0.8% within the population of over 7 billion people. So around 4 INTJ females can be found out of 500 females. So you think I’m a Unicorn? Wrong! Although most of the time we’re okay at being alone ( not to mention that our communication and social skills are pretty dire), sometimes life can be quite lonely when we realize that there are only few people who can really understand what our real intention is.
Making friends is absolutely not my forte. Most INTJ Women (that I know of) are aloof; we hate gossip, drama and don’t like talking to most people. According to Evelyn Bertrand:
We are a weird, fascinating, frustrating set of people that really should come with a manual.
And I couldn’t agree more. One of my colleagues once told me that for a good first two weeks, she’s afraid of me because I have the “stare” and seemed distant. Don’t get me wrong, we definitely feel very intensely and deeply too but we do not feel the need to show it. Yes, we do find it hard to express ourselves; which is why most of us are so secretive (and creative?).
OK. Now let’s rewind a bit to few weeks ago when I received the 360˚ feedback from everyone involved in my KPIs over the course of six months. They’re quite predictable, I must say. There are some areas I still need to improve; some areas that I’ve done quite well; and there’s this thing I need to start doing: socializing during lunchtime.
Nothing new. I’m not surprised nor appalled by the feedback. In fact, it’s one of the things I spotted earliest, way back since I was in elementary school. I tend to avoid group activities whatsoever. For INTJs, every time we hear the words ‘get into groups’ a little piece of us dies inside. It’s just one among other things that we’d rather not to do. So having lunch with large group of people in the office’s common room, every single day, is definitely a hard thing to do. I do agree that socializing in the office is essential. I mean, how would people know you’re a good, nice, friendly, capable human being if you’re invisible?
Now, hold on! I do enjoy the occasional social interaction and being around select people, but it’s just draining since I have to put a lot of my energy to become social and just really have to pay attention to it. So expecting me to change and actually enjoy a whole-hour social interaction during lunchtime every single day is a bit of a stretch. And I might need to apologize beforehand: I may not meet your expectations in that area.
The next question would be: what if your career affected by it?
Well, in my case, who only been working in Market Research for almost 9 years, and in Business Development a.k.a Sales department for nearly two years now, the best thing I can do is just to fake it until I make it (or until I fed up. Depends on the occasion). At first couple of years, I got nervous whenever I have to stand in front of the clients, deliver a two-hours presentation, where they (I presume) judge and question every single thing I said hesitantly. But after that, I’ve gotten used to it. I can be social for only 2–3 hours a day. I can meet a client, put my best smile and most charming persona and relate to them. Enchant them. Hook them with relatable good story so they fall for you. You know, the “how to be a good salesperson 101” kinda stuff.
Thing is, I can’t do that the whole day, 5-days a week. It’s just one too many commitments for us INTJs. We need space. I need space. That one hour space where I can be my truly self, space-out, recharge my energy, alone. That last part is important. We need some alone time. But how about making friends, you might ask. Well we do not feel pressured to make friends (if you do, you shouldn’t). Furthermore, in most cases we don’t seek validation from others. Self-contentment is the key. We do not feel the need to be complimented, so when we do get complimented, we normally respond with “thanks…” or just the blatant silence. We sincerely do not know how to react to compliment since we never expect that nor seek that.
Back to the question: how would people know you’re a good, nice, friendly, capable human being if you’re invisible? I’m a firm believer of this cheesy C.S Lewis’ quotes that you might oftentimes see on pinterest:
Integrity is doing the right thing even if no one is looking.
I will just basically do the same old thing I always do: doing the best thing I can to deliver my job. I’ll help whenever I can. I’ll listen whenever you ask me to listen. I’ll be there. I’ll try to have lunch for once in a while but please don’t expect too much. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that being social takes a lot harder than you think.
Despite our seemingly unnecessary arrogance, however, us INTJs have a deep understanding of our own flaws. Including this. As mentioned earlier, sometimes life can be quite lonely when I realize that there are only few people who can really understand what my real intention is. That’s perhaps the main reason why I’m writing this. So if some of you, by any chance, reading this, now you know why I’m doing whatever it is I’m doing weirdly.
We’re not as cold as we seem. We’re just looking for people who can understand us; something that everyone, regardless of their MBTI type, searches for in a friend. I need human connection. And with this writing, I’m reaching out to you. :)
